


The Pittsburgh Incident

by RemyJane



Series: Soulmates [4]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Discrimination/Prejudices, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soulbond Problems, Soulmates AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 19:54:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18156317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyJane/pseuds/RemyJane
Summary: Alex knew there had been violent attacks against same-sex soulmates in Russia and other countries. His mother had sent him a news article about it, worried about him and Nicky returning home.He’d watched shaky cellphone video of a bomb going off at a protest. In the video, he could hear people screaming and crying. The caption told him the bomb contained a chemical that disrupted bonds. He should’ve paid better attention.Instead, he forgot about it.





	The Pittsburgh Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: this work does portray an attack on a public face, though no major physical injuries result. This work also portrays hate crimes and prejudices that do not exist in the real world but may resemble other scenarios.

Alex knew there had been violent attacks against same-sex soulmates in Russia and other countries. His mother had sent him a news article about it, worried about him and Nicky returning home. 

He’d watched shaky cellphone video of a bomb going off at a protest. In the video, he could hear people screaming and crying. The caption told him the bomb contained a chemical that disrupted bonds. He should’ve paid better attention. 

Instead, he forgot about it. 

He ignored the sinister undercurrent growing in American culture and politics, ignored the way that hate was slowly seeping into the news like toxic waste into ground water. It was the middle of the season and he was busy. He forgot about it as he threw himself into his play.

Forgot about it, right up until the moment that something was hurled onto the ice as Nicky was getting ready to take a faceoff-

-until Evgeny screamed “Bomb!” and yanked him down

-until something exploded with a flash of bright white light and horrified fear through his bond

There was a split second of silence that seemed as loud as the blast before the fire alarms started sounding and the crowd began to evacuate with a cacophony of fear and distress. Someone was yelling for them to clear the bench but Alex was rooted in place as he surveyed the scene before him. 

The bomb had left a blackened mark on the ice. The air stunk, an acrid odor hanging over them. And Nicky-

Alex couldn’t feel Nicky at all. 

He leaped over the boards. The players on the ice were slowly pushing themselves up. They looked dazed but relatively unharmed. Nicky was still laying flat on his stomach, his hands over his head. 

“Go, get up, go! ” Alex said, tugging people up by their arms as he made his way to Nicky. “Nicky...Nicky!” 

Nicky turned his head to look at him, blinking slowly. He had a cut on his cheek that was slowly oozing down his face. 

Sidney Crosby circled around to them. “C’mon, we need to go.” He said urgently. “Are you ok?” He asked Nicky. Sidney looked shaken, but mostly unharmed. He’d been opposite Nicky when the bomb went off. 

Nicky was was holding his breath. He was pale and his eyes were open but not seeing. Sidney gave Alex a worried look and helped him get Nicky to his feet. 

Nicky leaned on both of them as they made their way to the tunnel, joining the disorganized chaos. There was a pile of skates by the entry and Alex felt a little sick at the sight; leave your skates behind so you can run if you need to, his mind supplied. 

They did. 

It had been only a minute since the bomb went off and already everything else felt so long ago. Alex’s ears were ringing, or maybe that was the fire alarms. 

Sidney was talking, mostly nonsense, to Nicky. “C’mon, it’s ok. We just need to go.” Maybe it was helping Nicky, or maybe it was only helping Sid. Distantly, Alex thought about how before the bomb had gone off, Sidney and Nicky had spent the game chirping at each other with contempt. 

Nicky didn’t have that kind of energy now. 

“Sid!” Evgeni yelled, relief washing over his face as his soulmate came into sight. “You ok?” He was holding the door open for the players, making sure everyone exited the building. 

“I’m fine.” Sidney said, trying to keep his voice steady. 

The players and staff were ushered onto the buses that were supposed to be taking the Capitals back to their hotel. Alex didn’t know where they were going to go, but they crowded in with the Pittsburgh team. 

Police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks were already arriving. There was a sea of people flooding out of the arena. Even from inside the bus, Alex could hear people screaming and crying. Alex pulled Nicky into his arms and the blond went easily. 

It had been a few minutes, less than five, but they were already out. They were safe, Alex reminded himself. No one was badly hurt. They all stunk like sweat and the bitter chemical in the bomb. It clung to their skin. Nicky and Sid reeked the most, having been so close. Nicky was shaking, but so was Alex. 

“What happened?” Nicky asked quietly. 

“I don’t know. A bomb. It...it messed with everyone’s bonds.” Alex was relieved to hear Nicky talking.

Nicky nodded slowly, pressing his nose to Alex’s neck and hiding his face. “Ok.” He whispered. “Fuck.” 

Alex couldn’t help but smile at that. “You ok?”

“I think so. I...it feels weird.”

“Weird?” 

“Like...different. Different than Sochi or...or the other times.” Nicky tried to explain, tone exhausted. “I don’t know.”

“Does it hurt?” Nicky shrugged, shifting slightly and going tense. “Nicky…”

“Yeah. A little.” He admitted. “It’s- it’s fine.” 

Before Alex could say anything, Marcus squeezed into the seat beside them. Nicky scooted a bit closer to Alex, to allow him room. 

“You guys ok?” He asked, trying to keep himself out of the aisle so they could cram more players into the bus. It was almost comical, the sight of everyone packing in still mostly in full uniform. Almost, except for the emptiness where his bond was supposed to be; except for the quiet fear that laced them together. 

“We’re ok.” Nicky said, though he didn’t lift his face. Marcus gave Alex a worried look. 

“Good.” He nodded. “Anna’s probably freaking out. She was watching tonight.”

“She’s in Sweden?” Alex asked. 

“Yeah.” Marcus nodded. “Hopefully the TV coverage...hopefully she knows I’m not hurt.” 

The few staff members on board were passing their phones around, for the guys to contact their soulmates and let them know they were ok. Alex held Nicky closer. He needed to call his mother, she would worry, but it would have to wait. 

Behind them he could hear someone sniffling. Alex wondered if it was one of his boys, but he couldn’t get up to check. Marcus followed his gaze as he glanced over his shoulder. “It’s Bur. I’ve got it.” He said softly, slipping away. 

Nicky didn’t move to check on his rookie, which was telling. Alex wrapped him in a hug and pressed his nose to the top of his head, hair slightly crunchy with dried sweat. There was nothing to say. Nicky shivered, but he stayed quiet until a couple paramedics filtered through the bus, quickly evaluating everyone. 

“I’m ok.” Nicky said, shakily signing the form. Alex doubted that very much, but he wasn’t sure what he could do. 

Outside the bus, he could hear horns honking, sirens, and whistles as police tried to control everything. It took almost an hour before they could move. 

They were going to go back to the hotel when one of the Pittsburgh players collapsed. He was rushed away in an ambulance and the staff doctors decided everyone needed to be re-evaluated at the hospital, to be safe. 

“Sasha?” Nicky looked up, eyes glassy.

“Yeah?” 

“I don’ feel good.” He said weakly, hands balling up the edge of Alex’s jersey. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know...it-it’s hard to think. It’s- I’m dizzy.”

“Hurts?” 

“Yeah.” Nicky’s voice cracked slightly. “Why?”

Alex felt his eyes well up. “I don’t know. Bad stuff in the bomb, it messes with the bond.”

“It...I’m so dizzy.” Nicky mumbled, eyes closing. 

“It’s ok. Gonna go to the hospital, it’s ok.” Alex leaned close to talk to him softly, rubbing his back. “Not gonna leave you, I promise.” 

Nicky nodded, leaning his head against the seatback in front of him. A tear leaked down his cheek and he clumsily wiped it away, but there were more. 

Braden slipped into the seat beside them, undressed down to his under armor, his goalie pads somewhere between the rink and the bus. They might never get them back. “Nicky?” He asked, glancing at Alex. “What’s wrong?”

Alex paused, mouth slightly open. It wasn’t his place to tell people. He’d told Mike, he’d pushed for Nicky to tell Marcus. It wasn’t his place. 

“Dizzy.” Nicky mumbled. He was pale, Alex noticed, all the color washed out of his face. “Hurts.” A couple more tears; Nicky didn’t seem to notice them. 

Braden turned towards him slightly, his broad shoulders shielding him from view. “I’m sorry. We’re almost there.” He said, a hand on Nicky’s shoulder as he shared a worried look with Alex. Alex kept rubbing his arms, anything to remind him that he wasn’t alone, in this or anything else. 

Nicky didn’t say anything, even though he probably should’ve; Nicky wasn’t the type to complain. He made it all of five feet from the bus before his knees buckled. 

Luckily, Alex had been right beside him and Braden helped him lay him down on the asphalt of the ambulance bay. Alex wished they had more privacy, but players from both teams were still filing out of the buses. 

Sidney stood over them, a stern expression hurrying everyone along. Evgeni Malkin squatted down beside Alex, a hand on his arm and his back turned to obscure Nicky a bit. Braden was there on his other side, a hand on Nicky’s wrist to check his pulse. 

Nurses were steering a gurney out to them but everything seemed to be in slow motion. 

Nicky was porcelain pale, his eyes closed. He was limp, totally limp, and Alex didn’t realize he was crying until the hospital staff had Nicky on the gurney and Evgeni hugged him tight. 

“He’ll be ok.” He whispered in his ear.

For the first time all night, the magnitude of what happened struck Alex. They had become the people in the unsteady camera footage from the news, the thing that happened to other people had happened to them. Nicky was so, so sick and Alex was helpless. Fucking helpless. 

He sobbed into Evgeni’s shoulder, unsure if he could even get up. Adrenaline had gotten him this far, but Nicky had been taken away and Alex didn’t have to keep himself together for him anymore. Or maybe Alex couldn’t keep himself together without Nicky. 

“Let’s go inside.” Braden suggested. 

“Give him a minute.” Evgeni muttered, not harshly. 

“They’re going to have to decontaminate everyone.” Sidney said. 

“So, we have a minute.” Evgeni said firmly. “Sanya, breathe.” He added. 

Alex wanted to, but he had to get himself together first. 

Finally, he managed to take a deep breath. Looking up, he tried to smile. “Sorry.” He said, wiping his face. 

Braden shook his head. “You’re doing fine.” He soothed. “Let’s get inside and get cleaned up, ok?”

Braden slung an arm around Alex and it was only then that he could tell the goalie was shaking too. 

Inside, they were stripped down, showered off with medical grade soap, and handed blue scrubs to change into. 

Alex tried to find out where Nicky was- he’d promised he wouldn’t leave him- but they needed to check Alex before they could release him, he needed to have blood work drawn like everyone else. 

Andre, with a face flushed red and bloodshot eyes, curled up beside him as they waited. Alex liked Andre anyway, but Nicky’s fondness for him was lodged in his heart. He wrapped an arm around him and hugged the rookie tight. 

“Is Papa ok?” He asked hoarsely. 

“I don’t know.” Alex admitted, closing his eyes and trying to keep himself together. 

Andre hadn’t expected that. He hugged Alex back. “I’m sorry. He’ll be ok. He’ll be ok.” He said, rubbing his back. “He’s really strong.”

Alex nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. Alex knew how strong Nicky was, Alex had seen him overcome horrible things. He hated, loathed, that Nicky was alone, that he’d promised he’d stay with him and then he couldn’t. 

It was an hour later when someone came in. “Family of Nicklas Backstrom?” They asked. Everyone looked at Alex and he raised a hand, stepping forward. “Come with me.” 

Nicky was curled in an exam bed, an IV in his arm. He blinked up at Alex and gave him a sleepy smile. “Hi.”

Relief washed over Alex immediately. “Hey.” He sat beside the bed, holding his hand. “You ok?” He carded his fingers through his hair. 

“S’better.” Nicky said, closing his eyes like he’d meant to leave them open. “Better with you.” He added, slurring. 

Alex kissed his forehead. Nicky’s hair was still damp and he was in a gown, so they’d gotten him washed up as well. “Better with you too.” He said, kissing him again. 

“Ca’ you stay?” Nicky asked, managing to open his eyes a bit. 

“Yeah.” Alex was never letting Nicky out of his sight again, he thought fiercely. 

“Thank you.” He murmured. 

Alex could’ve teased him, but everything felt too fragile. Even without being able to feel him through the bond, he knew Nicky was vulnerable. “Makes me feel better to know you’re safe.” Alex whispered. 

Nicky fell asleep with a hint of a smile on his face and Alex’s hand tangled in his hair. 

They tried to release Nicky a few hours later, but he’d sat on the edge of the bed and quickly become so dizzy he’d gotten sick. It caused a flurry of nurses and doctors, people coming it to draw blood, to check and double check his blood pressure. 

Alex didn’t know much about blood pressure, but he knew whatever the machine showed was too low. 

“The chemical in the bomb often causes low blood pressure.” A doctor assured him. “He’ll be alright.” 

“The bond...hurts.” Nicky whispered, looking up with a pale face.

“The chemical probably exacerbated the dependent bond too.” The doctor said. “I’ll try to give you something for the pain, but your blood pressure needs to be under control.”

Neither of them slept much. The night was spent trying to balance Nicky’s blood pressure with his pain levels, trying to keep the one from bottoming out and managing the other. When the medicine wore off, Nicky had nightmares, the kind that left him gasping awake and drenched in sweat. 

In the morning, Nicky’s blood pressure was still on the low side of normal. The nurse smiled. “It’s probably just from the pain medicine. You’ll be fine once that wears off.” She said. 

“But he needs pain medicine.” Alex said, sitting up a bit straighter; the doctor had been knowledgeable about dependent bonds and had even contacted Dr. Epema, but Alex still had a deep mistrust with medical people as far as Nicky’s bond went. 

The nurse’s smile became a bit more forced. “He needs his blood pressure to stay normal.” She explained slowly. “He can live with a bit of pain.” 

Alex wanted to argue but Nicky grabbed his hand. “Ok.” He said, still raspy. “It’s fine.”

It wasn’t fine, because no one took Nicky’s pain seriously. They didn’t know how much agony the blond could endure without flinching, they didn’t know how strong he was. Or maybe they thought they were doing him a favor and making him toughen up. Alex gritted his teeth and held his tongue. 

They took a cab back to the hotel, where the team was eating breakfast, looking exhausted. They’d originally been scheduled to practice and then travel to Philadelphia, but practice had been cancelled and the drive pushed up a few hours, so they would have more time to rest at the next hotel. 

Andre rushed to Nicky when he saw him, hugging him tight. “Are you ok? They said you had to stay all night.”

“I’m ok.” Nicky said. 

“Made his blood pressure low, they had to keep an eye on him.” Alex explained. “Just to be careful.”

Nicky nodded. “Yeah. It’s ok.” He glanced towards the tables. 

“Sit. I’ll get food.” Alex offered. 

Nicky shook his head. “No, I can get it.” 

Alex wondered if Nicky was stubborn or if Nicky didn’t want him out of sight. They made their way through the line slowly, Nicky bumping against him as they did. 

“You need more food.” He said, frowning at Nicky’s plate. He had yoghurt and a banana. 

“I’m not hungry.” Nicky shrugged. 

“Nicky…” 

“I’m not hungry.” Nicky said quietly. “Ok?”

“Ok.” Alex squeezed his arm. “Just worried.”

Nicky wrinkled his nose. “I know. I...It’s...not good.” He admitted. He glanced over his shoulder, checking that no one was listening. “Whatever they gave me, it’s wearing off.” 

Alex nodded. “Ok. We can talk to the doctor, get more meds.” 

Nicky shrugged one shoulder, starting towards the table. “It’s ok.” He said when they were close enough for the others to overhear. “I feel fine.” 

Alex forced a smile. It was worth letting Nicky pretend if it made the boys feel better. Their team was quiet, and closer than usual. Nicky sat beside Andre and let him snuggle in against his side. 

“You ok?” He asked the young man. 

“Yeah. I’ve never- my bond’s never been numb before.” Andre admitted. 

“How are you feeling?” Nicky asked. 

“It’s- it feels weird. I don’t know.”

“But it doesn’t hurt?” Nicky asked. 

Andre’s eyebrows shot up. “No, no! Nothing like that. It’s fine. It’s normal, I mean.” He made a nervous sound. “I’m not a- It’s not like that.” 

Alex’s hand clenched tight around his napkin, but he couldn’t say anything. 

Nicky nodded. “Ok.” He said calmly. “It should come back soon.” 

After breakfast one of the coaches pulled Alex and Nicky aside. “You need to come with us.” He said. 

They were led to a small conference room off the hotel lobby. Sidney and Evgeny were inside, as well as a few police officers, and an assortment of other people. “Please, have a seat.” 

The officers explained that they didn’t think the attack was random. It wasn’t coincidental, they said, that the two teams with the most prominent bonded players were targeted. They told them they’d apprehended the man who’d thrown the bomb onto the ice and, based on his rhetoric, they were treating it as a hate crime. 

When the police had finished talking, staff members from both teams explained how security measures would be changed at upcoming games. There was an official from the NHL present, as well as a representative from the players association. 

When it was all starting to seem like too much, Nicky shifted in his seat. “Could I have a water?” He asked, voice thready. He cleared his throat. “Please?” 

Alex looked at him, his skin pale and his eyes dull. “You ok?” He asked quietly. Someone handed him a bottle of water. 

Nicky nodded. “I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s a lot to take in.” Sidney said, speaking for the first time. “Maybe we could have a minute to...to process this?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

Alex squeezed Nicky’s hand. He wished the bond was back, wished he could talk to Nicky without anyone having a chance to overhear. Nicky would tell him anything, over the bond; it was only with other people listening that he clammed up. 

The crowd of people dispersed and eventually only the four players were left sitting at the table. Evgeni gave Alex a concerned look but didn’t say anything. 

“Are you ok?” Sidney asked. Last time either of the other players had seen Nicky, he’d been unconscious on the ground. 

“Tired.” Nicky said quietly, probably knowing he’d have to tell people something. “They kept me all night. Just for- for observation.”

Sidney’s eyes were wide. “Oh, ok. Yeah, the chemical made a couple of our guys pretty sick.” 

“Yeah. Just...they said it made my...my blood pressure too low.”

“Maybe you get checked again.” Evgeny said gently. “Look really pale.” 

Nicky looked at Alex and shook his head. Nicky was doing a good job hiding the pain, but he couldn’t from Alex. “Just needs to rest.” Alex decided, smiling when Nicky relaxed slightly. “Hard to sleep at hospital, wake you up all the time.” 

“Yeah.” Sidney agreed slowly, chewing on his lip. 

“Nicky scared of needles.” Alex teased. Nicky snorted and rolled his eyes. “Couldn’t relax.” Sidney and Evgeny both laughed and Nicky shot him a grateful look for the distraction. 

Afterwards, when they reached their room, Nicky curled up around a pillow on the bed. Alex stretched out beside him, looping an arm around his middle. “How bad?” He asked softly. 

“Can you call the doctor?” Nicky asked, shivering. 

Alex nodded. “Yeah.” Nicky had to be hurting, but he hated to say anything, hated to make Alex worry. Unfortunately, Alex hadn’t stopped worrying since the bond had gone numb. 

Dr. Symon arrived only a few minutes later. She checked Nicky’s pulse and his blood pressure, frowning. “I can call something in at the pharmacy but your blood pressure is way too low. Did they tell you what it was when you left the hospital?”

Nicky shrugged. “They said it was low.” He whispered, eyes shut tight.

Alex handed the paperwork they’d sent with Nicky to Dr. Symon and she frowned over it. “They shouldn’t’ve sent you home without meds.” She muttered. “Ok. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to start an IV and give you fluids and a bit of morphine. I’m going to send someone to get your normal medicine.” 

“Ok.” Nicky agreed, not even flinching when the needle pierced his arm. “Why is it...why is it so...much?” Nicky had gone days at the Olympics before things got really bad, but it hadn’t even been 24 hours and he was already hurting. 

“I think it’s the mechanism of action, the way the chemical works. With standard bond disruptors, they are a lot more gentle. The chemical used was something that hasn’t been used since the 40s.”

Alex had learned in school that bombs full of bond disruptors had been used in World War II. Many people had been left widowed by the war, Alex had been told, and those with dependent bonds were inconsolable. At least in Russia, people discovered to have dependent bonds had been locked up in asylums. Once, his cousin had taken him to an abandoned asylum; urban legend said it was haunted by spirits of those who’d died after throwing themselves out the windows. 

He carded his fingers through Nicky’s hair tenderly, leaning over to kiss his forehead after Dr. Symon administered the morphine and Nicky started to finally relax. Alex played with his hair until Nicky fell asleep and then he let himself close his eyes and rest too. 

By the time they were ready to leave for the airport, Dr. Symon declared that Nicky’s blood pressure was acceptable and he’d already had his first dose of his usual medication. It resulted in him being pliant and sleepy and though he tried to hide it, he fell asleep on the bus. 

“Is he ok?” Marcus asked, sitting down in the seat across from them. His dark eyes were worried, a crease between his brows. “With...just with everything.” 

“Getting better.” Alex said. 

Marcus had seen Nicky fall apart at the Olympics, had seen when the pain and fear overwhelmed him. “Ok.” He said softly. “If you need anything, I’m here.”

“Thanks.” 

Marcus stayed close, tucking himself in alongside Nicky when he stumbled gracelessly out of the bus. Seeing Nicky like this, drugged and vulnerable, always twisted Alex’s insides uncomfortably. Nicky wasn’t like that. Nicky was broad and strong; Nicky could tolerate just about anything, if he had to. It wasn’t always a good thing. 

Nicky slept through takeoff and turbulence, much to the team’s amusement. 

“He can sleep through anything.” Tom chuckled. 

“Papa’s always sleepy.” Andre grinned.

Marcus’s knuckles went white as he gripped the seat in front of him. “Maybe you should sleep too.” He snipped. 

“Cranky.” Andre grumbled, settling in his seat. 

Alex shook his head once at Marcus and the younger man gritted his teeth, looking away. He caught a glimpse of Braden watching them closely, a thoughtful look on his face. 

Alex ordered room service for dinner and woke Nicky up just long enough to eat some. Even exhausted, Nicky couldn’t say no to mac and cheese and Alex decided he probably needed the extra calories. 

Nicky didn’t take his pills the next day. “I have to play.” He said quietly. 

“S’gonna hurt.” Alex warned him. 

Nicky chewed on his lip, his pupils still wide from the drugs lingering in his system. “I know.” He said quietly. “I can handle it.” 

The reporters and the press liked the narrative of the Capitals playing at a disadvantage, since no one’s bonds had returned yet. Pittsburgh had the night off, but the Caps were playing. Alex thought they probably could’ve tried to reschedule, but maybe what they needed was a distraction. 

They won the game, though it had been tough. Alex and Nicky had originally been scheduled for media availability and no one had thought to change it in the chaos after the attack. “We’re not doing that.” Alex said, pointing to the sheet of paper.

The PR lead looked at him, cocking his head. Alex was pretty sure his name was Eric, but he always wore his name badge backwards so no one could see it. “Someone has to.”

“Actually, no.” Alex said, crossing his arms. “No one has to. No one’s gonna.” He decided impulsively. Nicky certainly wasn’t going to; the blond had already taken his medication and was trying to shower before it turned him into an overcooked noodle. But, his entire team had been traumatized in Pittsburg and it hadn’t been that long. 

Eric raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yeah. Tell media team needs privacy. Hard couple days, no one has their bonds back. Everyone just needs to rest. Keep them out.” 

Eric sighed through his teeth. “I wish you’d told me this sooner.” He said. 

Alex shrugged. He knew he’d made the other man’s job harder, but making his job easier didn’t fall under Alex’s purview. 

He showered and found Nicky in his stall, wearing the hoody Alex had worn before the game, when he’d played two-touch with the boys. Nicky had the hood up, the collar pulled up over his nose. He looked up at Alex with wide eyes and dropped it. 

Alex smiled. “You’re cute.” He teased. 

Nicky smiled back, eyes squinting. Alex hated when the bond was separated, but Nicky doped up on medicine was adorable enough to make it tolerable. “I know.” 

Alex chuckled and shifted closer to press a kiss to his forehead. Nicky leaned into the touch. 

“You guys are lucky.” Tom said, shouldering his bag. “My bond takes forever to come back unless I’m with Jessie.” 

Nicky shrugged one shoulder, eyes fixed on the floor. “I guess so.” Lucky was just about the last word Alex would use for Nicky and their bond. 

“It just sucks. We’ve had to numb it before, but this time is taking forever.” He continued, oblivious to their sudden discomfort. “Is yours back yet?”

“Ah, no.” Nicky admitted quietly. “Not yet.” And Alex suspected it wouldn’t be until he was able to keep taking his medicine consistently. 

“Oh. That sucks. Well, hopefully soon, right?” Tom gave them an easy smile before walking away, ruffling Andre’s hair and laughing when he squawked in protest. 

Nicky looked up at Alex, chewing on his sleeve and wrinkling his nose. Alex gave him a reassuring smile. “S’okay. You ready to go?” The buses were waiting to take them the relatively short drive to New Jersey. Nicky’s pills rattled in his pocket when he stood. 

Andre sat across from them on the bus. “How long does it take a bond to come back?” He asked Nicky, poking at him. 

“I don’t know.” Nicky admitted. “It depends. I never...mine was never numbed until after we met.” 

Andre made a sad face. “It feels so weird.” He lamented, leaning against the bus seat ahead of him. “You’re so lucky, you get Alex with you always.” 

Alex loved Andre, but he was still basically a teenager and teenagers did not have much in the way of understanding how other people felt. It wasn’t his fault, there was no way he could know what Nicky was going through. 

“Didn’t meet Nicky until I was 21.” Alex said. “Didn’t have him always.” Nicky squeezed his hand, as though telling him not to bother. 

Andre looked up. “I hope I don’t have to wait that long.” 

“You probably won’t.” Nicky soothed, closing his eyes. His voice was gentle and slurring a bit. 

Andre snorted. “You’re so sleepy, papa.” 

“Shhh.” Nicky shushed him, smiling faintly when Andre made a grumbling noise. 

That night, Alex fell asleep with an arm wrapped around Nicky and woke up in the middle of the night when the blond bolted upright with a gasp. “Are you ok?” Nicky asked, hands searching Alex for injury. “Are you hurt?” 

Alex caught his wrists, absently kissing one of his hands. “Just sleeping. Bad dream?” He guessed. 

“Y-yeah.” Nicky ducked his head, flushing. “I’m sorry, just- just forget it, ok?” 

Alex reeled him back into his arms. “You need to take more medicine?” He asked. 

“No.” Nicky closed his eyes, hand gripping the edge of Alex’s shirt. “I don’t want to skip practice.”

“You could.” Alex offered. “They made it an optional.” It was an otherwise free day; if Nicky skipped practice and kept taking his pills, they might be able to get get the bond back before they played the Devils. 

Nicky paused. “I don’t want to explain why.” He admitted quietly, like he didn’t want to hear the words aloud. 

Alex hugged him tighter. “Yeah, ok.” He whispered in the dark. “Ok.” He couldn’t argue that people wouldn’t notice if Nicky skipped an optional. 

Practice was quiet. It was optional, but most of the team was there. Nicky was working with Andre on puck handling, concealing his growing discomfort from everyone except Alex. Alex only really noticed because Nicky kept looking up to find him. 

“Everything ok?” Braden asked, skating up to stretch beside Alex. 

“Yeah, good. Think the boys are doing better. Bonds are coming back, you know?”

Braden nodded. “Yeah. How’s Nick?” 

Alex paused; maybe he wasn’t the only one who noticed after all. “He’s ok.” Alex said slowly. “The bomb messed with his blood pressure.” 

“Right.” Braden nodded. “I’m glad he’s doing better.” He bumped Alex gently before heading off the ice. 

Alex didn’t mention it to Nicky. It would only stress him out; no matter how many times Alex told him the dependent bond wasn’t his fault, wasn’t bad, Nicky hated to bring it up. 

A couple of the team suggested they go out for dinner, for team bonding. 

“Don’t have to.” Alex said quietly in the shower. 

Nicky frowned, rinsing shampoo from his hair. “It’s good for the team.” 

Alex lowered his voice. “Good for you to rest, take medicine.”

Nicky glanced around quickly, making sure no one was near. “I don’t want to tell them.”

“Don’t have to tell. Can say you have migraine. Lots of stress, that can cause it.” 

Nicky pursed his lips. “I don’t want to lie.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “You don’t think not telling them how you hurt, how you feel, that’s not lying?”

He flushed a bit pink. “It’s not lying, it’s…” He paused a moment. “I just don’t want them to worry.” He decided. 

Alex sighed and didn’t argue. “Ok, fine.” He agreed. 

He suspected it was a control thing, a stubbornness thing. Nicky hated feeling weak. The dependent bond made him vulnerable and he didn’t want to let it consume him. Nicky would rather struggle and fight with something than not have ownership over his own life. 

Alex couldn’t say he wouldn’t do the same thing, but he still ached at the thought of Nicky hurting. 

Nicky made it through dinner without incident, but begged off once the team started trying to choose a bar. He took his pills as soon as they got back to the hotel, crawling into bed with heavy exhaustion. 

Again, he had nightmares. The second night, though, he tried not to wake Alex. 

Alex woke up in the middle of the night anyway, to the sound of Nicky nearly hyperventilating into his pillow. “Nicky? Nicky, it’s ok. We’re ok.” He promised, hugging him tight. 

Nicky tried to collect himself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Didn’t mean to- didn’t mean to wake you.” He shuddered. 

“It’s ok.” Alex assured him. “Medicine?”

“Morning skate.”

“You’ll take some after morning skate?” He tried to negotiate. 

Nicky snuggled in against Alex’s chest. “Maybe half a pill.” He agreed skeptically. 

“Half a pill would be good.” Better than nothing, anyway. 

Nicky was quiet the next day, barely talking. He left the ice early after morning skate, already in the showers when Alex followed him. He might’ve gotten suds in his eyes, or maybe they were red from something else. 

Nicky gave him a tight smile, like he was about to say something, but someone else entered the showers and he averted his gaze. He turned his back, like he needed to hide his face. Alex was only one shower over, but he could see Nicky’s hands shaking as he turned the water off. 

Nicky kept a neutral face as the boys playfully joked in the locker room, starting to get their energy back. Alex was humming along to the music when he heard Andre talking to Nicky, asking if they could get lunch together. 

Nicky shifted, looking down at his feet. “I can’t.”

“Can’t?”

“I’m sorry.”

Andre blinked at him. “Are you ok? You’ve been weird since the...since the Pens game.”

“Just...tired.” Nicky said slowly. He was starting to shiver, a hat pulled on and wearing Alex’s hoody he’d taken from his bag. Nicky was starting to get to the point where he couldn’t fake it. 

“You sure?” Andre touched his arm. 

“Yeah.” Nicky closed his eyes, hands tightening on the edge of the bench. “Actually...I have a headache. But it’s not that bad.” Alex froze, dread curling through him like a long claw. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. You should’ve said something.” Andre frowned.

Nicky managed a thin smile. “Didn’t want to worry you.” He said; that was the truth, at least. 

Claiming a headache meant a little leeway, made it a little less suspicious when Nicky swayed on his feet or Alex supported him as the made their way to the bus. Andre might’ve said something, because the boys were quieter than normal. Nicky stayed tucked in against Alex, his fingers fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve. 

Nicky took the half pill Alex offered him without protest and curled up in bed. He pressed his face to Alex’s chest, drawing a shuddering breath and trying not to fall apart. 

“You don’t have to play.” Alex reminded him. 

Nicky hugged tighter. “I do.” He said, voice muffled against Alex. 

Alex sighed. “Nicky, you don’t. Take pills, let the bond come back. Don’t be stupid.” Alex’s tone was shorter than he’d intended; Nicky wasn’t the only one who’d been having restless nights. 

Nicky stilled, his arms going slack, allowing a bit of space between them. Alex felt it acutely. “I’m sorry.” Nicky said, avoiding eye contact. 

“I just worry about you.” Alex said. 

Nicky nodded, slowly rolling over so his back was to Alex. “I’m sorry.” He repeated, closing his eyes and feigning sleep. As if after all the years they’d been together Alex couldn’t tell when he was faking. 

Alex let out a frustrated sigh and rolled over as well; two could play that game, he decided. 

Alex had hoped the game would be a distraction. For a while, it was. Nicky could get laser-focused on hockey and hopefully that helped to dull the discomfort of the bond being numb. It certainly worked on more physical injuries. 

Alex scored in the first, off an assist from Evgeny, and then in the second, off a beautiful pass from Nicky. Nicky hugged Alex tight when he threw himself at his alternate captain. “Love you.” Alex whispered in his ear. 

“Love you too.” Nicky repeated before their teammates joined them in the corner. 

Before the third period, Alex was feeling good. They had a solid lead, the boys were playing well, Nicky seemed to be handling the bond ok. Things were good. 

With only a few minutes left in the game, with the Capitals up 2 points, a disgruntled fan threw something at the ice. 

It turned out to be a soda bottle, but Alex’s heart was still in his throat. He tried to calm himself down, but the bench had gone eerily quiet around him. Nicky lost the face off. 

The Devils called a timeout and Alex was trying to listen to his coach when Nicky grabbed his hand, his face totally pale. “Nicky?” Alex asked. 

Nicky looked at him, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. He looked scared- not scared, petrified. He looked like he’d been consumed by terror and it was shining out of his eyes. “I can’t breathe.” He said, twisting Alex’s jersey in his hand. “I can’t breathe.” His voice broke. 

There was time left on the clock but Alex didn’t give a shit. They were towards the end of the bench, thank god, and it was relatively easy to haul Nicky to his feet, down the tunnel, and out of sight. 

“The bond?” Alex asked. 

Nicky shook his head, tears springing to his eyes. He covered his mouth and slipped down to the floor, on his knees. “I thought- I thought-“

He was breathing too fast, too noisily. He gulped for air but it wasn’t enough. Alex should go get someone, but Nicky was disintegrating and he couldn’t leave him. “Nicky, slow down.” 

“I can’t.” Nicky gasped. “I thought- the bottle- I thought-“ He thought it was another bomb, Alex finished. It wasn’t the bond being numb, not entirely, that was tearing him apart. 

“I know, I did too. I did too.” Alex said, trying to soothe him. Nicky wrenched away from his touch and then immediately grabbed his arm again. “What do you need?” 

“I don’t know.” Nicky bowed his head, his hair dark with sweat. “Sasha…” his voice cracked. He sobbed, frantic and tight in his chest. 

“Nicky, it’s ok. It’s ok, come here, it’s ok.” Alex tried to hold him again but Nicky panicked more. 

“I can’t breathe, please, I can’t- I can’t.” Nicky’s fingers might’ve left bruises in Alex’s arm, where he was holding on, but Alex didn’t care. 

Alex thought they had a couple minutes before the game ended and anyone came that way, but the next time he looked up Andre rounded the corner and froze in place. 

“Nicky?” He asked, looking horrified. Andre was holding a towel to his cheek, blood on his jersey. 

Nicky didn’t seem to hear him, still trying to breathe. 

“Help me get him up.” Alex decided. Andre finding out by accident was one thing; Nicky would be mortified if the rest of the team saw him like this. “Nicky, gonna help you up, ok?”

Nicky nodded, standing on quaking legs with help and letting them steer him the rest of the way down the hall to the medical room. 

The staff looked surprised to see the three of them when they’d probably just been expecting Andre, but someone quickly pulled out a chair for Nicky. 

“Is your bond bothering you?” Dr. Symon asked. Nicky shook his head, covering his face. “What’s the matter?” 

“I can’t- I can’t- the bottle-“ He stammered between rapid breaths. He tried to hide his face against Alex but he pulled away to gasp for air. Alex didn’t know what to do for him. 

Her face softened. “Let’s give you some oxygen. That’ll help.” She said. 

Nicky clutched the mask to his face, his other hand clenched around Alex’s. There was nothing he could do but wait. He felt useless. He felt like he couldn’t soothe Nicky like this; he couldn’t be close enough without the bond. 

Someone guided Andre out of the room, but Alex suspected he’d already figured it out or he was at least close. 

After a few more minutes, Nicky finally took a deep gulp of air, pitching forward against Alex’s chest. Alex caught him, rubbing his hands across his back. “It’s ok. You’re ok.” Alex whispered. “We’re ok.” 

Alex knew Nicky was back with it (as much as he could be without the bond) when he wiped his face dry on his sleeve, his hands still trembling. “Shit.” Nicky whispered, dropping the mask to the side. “I’m sorry.” 

Alex shook his head. “Not your fault. Scared me, and I was on the bench.” Both times, he added to himself. Nicky had been traumatized and Alex was never close enough to help. 

“I don’t know why...shit.” He blinked, clearing his eyes. “Did...why was Bur…?”

“High stick, had to get stitches.” Alex explained. “He’s ok.”

Nicky nodded, looking down. “He saw?” He asked weakly. 

Alex felt a lump in his throat at how devastated Nicky sounded. “Yeah.” He told him. 

“Oh.” Nicky closed his eyes, exhaustion settling over his features. 

“It’ll be ok.” Alex said, even if he wasn’t sure. He suspected, he feared, that Andre didn’t know much about dependent bonds. Nicky was too vulnerable to handle a negative reaction, especially from someone as close to him as Andre. 

Still, Nicky was brave, braver than Alex would’ve been; instead of avoiding it, he waited outside the locker room to say something. 

“Are you ok?” Nicky asked, stopping Andre with a gentle hand on his arm. 

“Just a few stitches.” Andre assured him. “Are you- What happened?” 

Nicky took a breath and looked to Alex. “I…” Nicky was shaking, Alex realized. Nicky swallowed, crossing his arms. “I, uh, the-” He stammered. 

“They said it was something with your bond?” Andre prompted. “What could even be so bad?”

“It’s- when- when I was little…” Alex didn’t know if he should intervene or not. 

If he did, it might upset Nicky or make him feel like Alex thought he couldn’t handle himself. On the other hand, if he didn’t, he worried Nicky really couldn’t handle this. He’d been through so much in the last few days, in the last 30 minutes.

“Are you- were you, like, allergic to that stuff?” Andre continued. “Is your bond fucked up?” 

Nicky might’ve had a poker face once upon a time, but he was depleted; he flinched. 

Andre froze. “That’s it?” Nicky started to try to explain again but he couldn’t make the words come out. “Your bond is broken?”

“Stop it, Bur.” Alex growled, stepping in front of Nicky. 

Andre didn’t stop. “I...You...how did you mess up your bond?” Nicky covered his face, letting Alex completely shield him. “Is it...can it spread?” He asked, taking a half-step back. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Alex said with a glare, just as Nicky shook his head, sobbing weakly. “No…” the blond tried to answer. 

Andre looked scared, panic in his eyes. “Is that why I haven’t met my mate yet? Does being around you fuck up other people too?” 

The locker door opened just as Alex grabbed Andre by his shirt and pushed him up against the wall. 

“Hey, what the fuck?!” Tom yelped, trying to pull Alex back. Marcus was beside him and went straight to Nicky, an arm around his shoulders as he steered him out of sight. 

“Nicky takes care of you, he teaches you, and you think- you don’t even know.” Alex hissed at Andre. “Stay the fuck away from him.” He dropped his hands and let Tom separate them. 

“What was that about?” Tom asked, looking at Andre. Alex ignored them in favor of pursuing Nicky and Marcus. “Burky?”

“Leave me alone.” He heard Andre snap. 

Marcus had the good sense to move Nicky to the quiet room, which Alex appreciated. He pushed the door opened and relaxed slightly, relieved to have Nicky back in his sight. 

They were both sitting on the exam table, Nicky with his face pressed to Marcus’ shoulder as the other man rocked him side to side. 

“Hey.” Alex said softly. 

“Hey.” Nicky mumbled, not lifting his head. 

Marcus offered him a thin smile. “What happened?” He asked softly. “You guys left before the buzzer.”

Alex stepped in front of Nicky and gently pulled him free of Marcus, standing between his knees and wrapping his arms around him. Sitting on the table, Nicky’s head came up just to Alex’s shoulder and he kissed the top of his head. 

“The bottle...I thought it was…” Nicky swallowed. “Thought it was a bomb.”

“I did too at first.” Marcus admitted. 

“I...I don’t know. I couldn’t...I couldn’t breathe.”

Marcus squeezed Nicky’s shoulder. “Sounds scary.” He sympathized. 

Nicky nodded, swallowing hard and tucking his face in against Alex. “You ok?” Alex asked. 

“It...the bond hurts.” Nicky whispered. “A lot.”

Alex glanced at Marcus and he nodded, wordlessly slipping off the table and padding quietly out of the room. 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky mumbled. “I- fuck, everything’s a mess.” 

For all that Alex liked being right, he felt horrible in that moment. Nicky was doing the best he could, he was trying to keep going without letting anyone down, without making anyone worry. “It’ll be ok.”

“He- did you see his face?” Nicky shivered. “He- he looked...he said I’m broken.” 

Alex tipped Nicky’s chin up, taking in the blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. “Not broken.” He said firmly. “Not your fault. Bur doesn’t know.”

“I didn’t want to tell anyone.” Nicky ducked his face again. “It’s...even if it’s not bad, it’s still personal.” 

Alex ached for him. “I know.” He rocked him back and forth. “I know, I’m sorry.” 

Nicky had only told Marcus at the Olympics because they were roommates; he’d only told him with Alex there, with Alex pressuring him. Alex had told Mike, right after they’d first found out. Alex had even told Nicky, after the doctor had been too dismissive to bother. He felt guilty. 

Marcus returned with the pills and Nicky took one without prompting. “I’ll see you later.” Marcus said, slipping away to give them a minute. 

Nicky rubbed his eyes, his whole body rigid as he tried to hold everything back. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex murmured. “It’s gonna be ok, the bond will be back soon.” It had been four days, but each one felt so long Alex thought for sure it had been longer. 

Nicky brought a hand up to cover his mouth, sobbing. He was trying to keep quiet, Alex could tell, but he couldn’t. He cried harder, each sob piercing Alex like a knife. Nicky had a way of imploding without restraint when he was truly desperately miserable and Alex couldn’t stomach it. 

Alex closed his eyes as his own tears started to fall. Nicky hurt, he was scared, he was ashamed, and Alex felt like he was failing because he couldn’t protect him from any of it. Any one thing, the mounting pain, the panic in thinking there was another bomb, Andre’s reaction to his bond, any one thing was enough to bring someone down. 

The combination was far too much for Nicky

There was nothing Alex could do besides hold him through it, nothing he could do to make anything better. 

They were among the last players to get on the bus. Nicky was still shaking, the medicine starting to kick in. 

Andre was towards the back of the bus and he looked up but quickly looked away when he saw Nicky. Nicky had washed his face, but it didn’t really help. He looked exactly like he’d been crying for twenty minutes and there was nothing they could do about it. 

Luckily, no one said anything. Alex had a sneaking suspicion that Marcus, and possibly Braden, were running interference. 

Back at the hotel, Nicky looked at the bed and shook his head. “I’m gonna have nightmares.” He whispered raggedly. 

Alex nodded. “I know, but you need rest.”

“I hate this.” 

“I know.” Alex rubbed his arms. “Tomorrow, we’ll go home and it’ll be better, ok?” 

Nicky nodded and laid down, burying his face in his pillow. Alex slowly got ready for bed, but Nicky was wearing sweats and he wasn’t going to ask if he wanted to change. 

Alex fell asleep fully anticipating Nicky waking him up, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he woke up when his alarm went off to an empty bed, vague memories of his own bad dreams lingering like shadows. He sat up, frowning at the sight of Nicky sitting on the other bed, headphones on and watching something on his laptop. 

“Nicky?” Alex said, but the blond didn’t hear him. He got up, touching a hand to his shoulder and jumping a little when Nicky startled. “Sorry. You ok?”

Nicky wasn’t a morning person, so he definitely shouldn’t have been awake, let alone awake and dressed. Alex noticed his hair was slightly damp. “How long you been up?” He asked. 

Nicky shrugged. “I don’t know. Couldn’t fall back to sleep.” He admitted. 

Alex sat down behind him, wrapping an arm around him. “Gonna have to sleep eventually.” He felt Nicky swallow. 

“Yeah, I know.” He whispered. “Just...it’s not just...not just the nightmares.” 

“Worried about Burky?” Alex guessed. Nicky nodded. “It’ll be ok. He’ll stop being an ass.”

They had breakfast with the team at the hotel and then took the bus to the airport. Nicky had taken his medicine but he was trying his best to stay awake. 

Alex didn’t have to ask what the nightmares were about. After Sochi, Nicky had started having nightmares whenever he was really stressed; they’d woken Alex from a dead sleep, the agony and terror like a shot to the gut. 

Despite his best efforts, Nicky fell asleep on the plane. Alex held his hand, monitoring him for signs of distress. 

“Everything ok?” Marcus asked. 

“Just need to go home.” Alex said, sighing. Nicky’s fingers twitched and he squeezed his hand. 

“Yeah.” Marcus nodded. “Let me know if you need anything, ok?” 

“Thanks.” Alex smiled. 

At home, Nicky passed out on the couch almost immediately. Alex busied himself with some chores around the house, turning up the thermostat and dumping their clothes into the wash. 

Nicky slept most of the afternoon. Alex was watching a movie that he’d missed the beginning of, along with apparently at least one key plot point, when Mike called. Alex felt a little guilty he hadn’t returned his earlier calls, but he’d been busy. 

“Hey.” Alex answered. 

“Hey, you guys ok?”

“Not great.” Alex admitted. 

“I’ve called and texted but Nick hasn’t answered. How’s he doing?”

Alex shifted the phone and reached out a hand to soothe Nicky when he whined in his sleep. “Bond isn’t back yet.”

“He wouldn’t take the pills?” Mike guessed. 

“Wanted to play.”

“Of course.” Mike sighed. “That sucks. Do you need anything?” 

“Just needs to rest, I think.” Alex combed his fingers through Nicky’s hair. “You ok?”

“Getting better.” Mike assured him. “I think they’ll clear me to play soon. Haven’t been so dizzy lately, which is nice.”

“Good.” 

“Yeah, concussions fucking suck.” Mike grumbled. “I couldn’t- I didn’t see the game live. The Pens game.” 

Alex nodded. “Oh?”

“Courtney told me about it, I- fuck, I was freaking out. They didn’t know what it was at first, they said it could’ve been, like, a disease or something...I didn’t know anything until the next day.”

Alex felt guilty, though he’d spent the whole night at the hospital with Nicky; he hadn’t even had his phone. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be, it’s not your fault. I just- I was worried. That’s all. Jojo said Nicky had to stay at the hospital?”

“The chemical, it made his blood pressure too low.”

“Fuck.” Mike sighed. “Well, let me know if you need anything.” 

“Thanks.”

“No problem. See you later, bye.”

“Bye.” 

Nicky ended up sleeping for hours. Alex wondered if he was just too exhausted for dreams. 

When he finally woke up, Alex ushered him upstairs and ran a bath. Nicky took another pill before Alex coaxed him into the tub with him. “I’m gonna fall asleep again.” Nicky protested mildly. 

“Won’t let you drown.” Alex promised, holding Nicky close to his chest. 

“Better not.” Nicky mumbled, closing his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Alex said. Nicky smiled softly and snuggled back against him. 

Alex ordered take out for dinner; nothing enticed Nicky to eat like sesame chicken. 

They ate and then went to bed. Nicky took his medicine without comment. It wasn’t very late and Nicky had slept all day anyway, but he still managed to fall asleep quickly. 

Alex was considering going to sleep too when he got a text. 

‘Nicky has a dependent bond?’ Andre had texted. 

Alex wasn’t sure how to reply. Part of him wanted to call and yell at the rookie. Nicky had been watching out for him since day one. He’d spent countless hours after practice working with him. Andre had stayed with them a while before he moved in with Tom and Mike Latta. And then when Nicky had been so vulnerable, so wounded, he’d just destroyed him. 

A mean and bitter part of him wanted to call Andre and make him cry, make him feel like Nicky had. 

He could also ignore him. He could delete the text and never respond. He had to be Andre’s captain; he didn’t have to be his friend. 

Instead, he texted back, ‘yes’, and then turned his phone off. He wrapped an arm around Nicky and gently adjusted him to be the little spoon. It was a little known fact that Nicky was cuddly; he just acted prickly with everyone else. 

In his sleep, Nicky gave a contented sigh and snuggled in. 

Alex had hoped he would wake up and the bond would be back, but he woke up to Nicky blinking at him, looking drowsy and warm, and that was a close second. It chased away the cold chill of barely remembered dreams, the faint smell of the bomb that he hoped he was just imagining. 

“No nightmares?” He asked. 

“No nightmares.” Nicky stretched and wrapped his arms around Alex, hand sliding under his shirt. “Thanks.”

“Feel better today?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Nicky nodded slowly. He closed his eyes. “Can we stay home?”

Alex hugged him tighter; Nicky had never asked him to miss practice, even an optional. He couldn’t remember the last time that Nicky had missed practice. “Yeah, of course.” He kissed his forehead. 

“Thanks.”

Nicky took his medicine and they spent the morning laying on the couch, tangled up under a blanket. 

Finally, Nicky cleared his throat. “I’m worried he’ll tell other people.” He said softly. 

Alex didn’t have to ask who they were talking about, even though Nicky seemed to pick up in the middle of a train of thought. Even without the bond, he could read Nicky pretty well. 

“He won’t.” Alex said. “And even if he did, it’s not bad. Not your fault. It’s...it doesn’t mean anything, just that when our bond started, you were kind of lonely.”

Nicky nodded, closing his eyes; Nicky couldn’t hide, but he didn’t have to know Alex was looking at him either. “I know but...I hate feeling like this. I don’t want- no one else needs to know.”

“I know.” Alex kissed his forehead. “It’ll be ok. Bond will be back soon, you’ll feel better.” 

Nicky pressed his face to Alex’s chest. “I’m sorry. It’d be back if I-“

“Shh.” Alex cut him off. “You think I’d want to miss games? I get it, Nicky.” 

Nicky nodded. “Thank you.”

Because as much as Alex hated to see Nicky suffer, as much as he wanted the bond back, Nicky had been right too; if he’d sat out the last couple games, people would’ve been suspicious. And sure, they could’ve lied, but Nicky didn’t want to and Alex could respect that. 

Nicky wasn’t paying attention when Alex’s phone rang and it was Andre. Alex cancelled the call before he could see it. 

Later, when Nicky was taking a shower, Andre called again. 

“What?” Alex answered, frowning and keeping an ear on whether or not the shower was still running. 

“You guys weren’t at practice.” Andre said. 

Alex sighed. “So, why you care?”

“I- I just- I’ve texted and called Nicky a lot and he hasn’t answered.”

“Don’t think he wants to talk to you yet. You hurt him.” 

Andre made a quiet, wounded sound. “I know, I- I shouldn’t have-“

“Leave him alone for a while, ok? He doesn’t feel good.” 

“Just- can you tell him I called? Please.”

“No.” Alex shook his head. “He’ll talk to you when he wants to talk to you.”

“Ok. I’m really sorry.”

“Good.” Alex heard the shower stop. “Bye.” He hung up without another word. 

The bond returned some time in the night. 

Alex awoke to terror and echoes of the fire alarm, his skin drenched in sweat. Nicky tried to stay quiet, his teeth chattering. Alex felt sick, he felt dizzy. His chest hurt, molten despair burning through his core. 

He wrapped his arms around his bondmate and slowly, so slowly it felt like it wasn’t going to happen, it dissipated. It didn’t feel like it had come from Nicky, it felt like a nightmare they’d created together. Maybe their combined anxiety has morphed into something else, feeding off each other until it loomed larger than life. 

Nicky sat up on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, voice ragged. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too.” Alex rubbed his back. “C’mere, it’s ok. We’re ok.”

“I just...fuck, I’m sorry. I don’t know why…” Nicky was radiating embarrassment and upset. Nicky felt so isolated, so alone, even with the bond restored. 

“It scared me too, you know. The bomb. I...I couldn’t feel you and I thought…” Alex swallowed back tears. “Thought I lost you.” He whispered. 

Nicky moved all at once, wrapping himself around Alex in something that might’ve been a hug if it had been less desperate, less vital. “I’m here. Right here.” 

Alex kissed him and Nicky kissed back with fervor. There weren’t words for how much he needed this, needed to feel as connected to Nicky as he could. 

Nicky was the first to start pulling away clothes, want clouding their bond and making everything hazy. The warm comfort of skin on skin soothed the parts of Alex that still ached from the nightmare, from the past week. 

Nicky had his thigh between Alex’s and Alex could feel his cock, hard and trapped between them. Nicky was still kissing him, arms wrapped around him. Alex tangled a hand in Nicky’s hair to keep him close. 

They didn’t do anything so coordinated as fucking. Instead, Nicky came across Alex’s thighs and Alex after only a few strokes from Nicky’s hand. 

Alex cleaned up the mess with a T-shirt, silently promising Nicky he’d take care of in the morning, and then fell back into a heavy sleep. 

Neither of them had nightmares the rest of the night. 

By the time they returned to practice the next day, the bond was fully restored. Things were still different. Nicky was still jumpy, loud noises still frightened him. But he wasn’t the only one. 

“I think we need to have all the guys get together to talk about what happened in Pittsburgh.” Braden said to Alex and Nicky afterwards. “I think otherwise they’d just try to forget about it. Especially the younger guys.”

“You think they need that?” Alex asked, feeling Nicky start to get nervous at the idea of talking. 

Braden shrugged. “I think I do, at least.” He admitted. “Brandy said I seem different and...I think it’s from Pittsburgh. From what happened, you know? We were out and I heard a car backfire and I almost hit the deck.” 

Alex nodded. “Can you organize it, maybe? I can help, we can help but...you’re better at talking about stuff.” 

“Sure.” Braden smiled. “I was thinking we could do it somewhere away from the rink, maybe my place. We can’t make people go, but I think they will.” 

They wound up doing it Braden’s house that night. The basement had a bar and deep comfortable couches, a place that felt inherently safe. Nicky was pressed tight to Alex’s side, squeezing his hand. 

Braden talked first. He spoke about how the bombing affected him. The boys shifted, at first restlessly, but then settling down. It wasn’t familiar to talk about things like being afraid, but Alex could see how it was important. 

After Braden finished, he asked if anyone else would like to speak. Everyone looked at each other nervously and after a brief silence, Nicky lifted his hand. Alex gripped his other hand tighter. 

‘You don’t have to tell them about the bond.’ He reminded Nicky.

‘I know.’ Nicky cleared his throat. “After...after the bomb...it…” he trailed off and managed a small smile. “Sorry, I’m not so good at this.” He admitted, flushing. 

“You’re doing great.” Braden assured him. “You can pretend you’re just talking to one person, instead of like you’re talking to all of us.” He suggested. 

Nicky nodded, glancing at Andre and then quickly away again. “Yeah, ok. It...it scared me. It made me sick. I had to stay in the hospital and...I had nightmares. In New Jersey, I thought...I thought it was another bomb and...it made them worse.” Nicky took a breath. “But I didn’t want to say anything because...I didn’t want to worry anyone.” 

It was close enough to the truth that it was sincere, while skirting the deeper issue. Alex hugged him tight, feeling Nicky shaking a bit. Anxiety flitted across their bond and Alex kissed his cheek. 

After Nicky, a few more people opened up. Alex talked about how afraid he’d been not knowing if Nicky was hurt, how it had felt to be separated from him in the hospital, uncertain if he was ok. 

As he spoke, he could see his teammates nodding their heads; it made him think he was doing the right thing, even if talking about it was hard. 

Afterwards, they played video games and ordered a truly obscene number of pizzas. Tom had the brilliant idea to order from several different places, and see which one was fastest. Bets were placed and there was a far amount of strategizing; they even consulted an online map to determine the approximate distances. 

Alex could feel Nicky’s happiness like sunshine as he sat watching, only piping up occasionally when he saw fit. Alex slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. 

‘This is good.’ Nicky decided. 

‘Yeah.’ Alex agreed. ‘Good to see the boys happy.’

Nicky blushed. ‘I meant about everyone sharing. It was good.’

‘Yeah. That was good too.’ Alex agreed. ‘I guess I didn’t think about how hard it was on everyone else.’ All of his focus had been on Nicky, on their bond, and he felt guilty for ignoring the rest of his team. 

‘It’s not your fault.’ Nicky comforted gently. 

‘Not yours either.’ Alex squeezed his hand. 

As they were leaving that evening, Andre caught Nicky by the sleeve on the front porch. Nervousness and surprise flitted through the bond before Nicky clamped down on his emotions. 

“Can I- can we talk? Please?” Andre asked. 

Nicky crossed his arms apprehensively. “Sure. Talk.” 

Andre looked down, shifting uncomfortably. “Here?” 

Nicky raised his eyebrows. “Unless you want to go back inside.” 

Nicky had his guard up. He was very careful about letting Alex feel what he was feeling, so most of what Alex got was tentative nerves. 

“I’m sorry.” Andre started. “I’m really sorry. I-I didn’t know anything about it and- I’m just sorry.” 

Nicky nodded slowly. “Thank you.”

“Did it really hurt? What did it feel like?” He asked. 

“It hurt.” Nicky said. “It feels like...it feels like something’s crushing you and you can’t breathe. The first time, I thought I was dying.” He admitted quietly. 

Alex rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry. I got scared and I didn’t know. I-I’m sorry. If you’re still mad, I understand.” He hung his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Not mad.” Nicky said. “Just...I don’t know. You- when you- when that happened...It hurt. More than the bond, even.” He finished in a whisper. 

Andre rubbed at his eyes, looking moments from crying. “I’m sorry.” His voice wavered. 

“Do you need a ride home?” Nicky asked, looking anywhere but Andre’s face. 

“I- yeah.” 

“Ok. C’mon.” 

Nicky was the best at looking calm on the outside no matter what was going on inside. Through the bond Alex could feel that his mate was sad and happy, upset and confused, all at the same time. But none of it showed on his face. 

No one talked until they dropped Andre off at his apartment. 

“Ok?” Alex asked. 

“I don’t know.” Nicky admitted. “It- He- when he said…” instead of trying to articulate the thought, Nicky opened up more, sharing his memory of that conversation with Andre, how Nicky had felt when he’d called him broken. 

Even in memory it hurt. It stung with sharp edges and it resonated with the most inner part of Nicky that did think he was broken still, the part Alex had never been able to convince. 

“I don’t want to be mad at him.” Nicky said, voice husky. “I just...I don’t know what to do.”

Alex wiped at his eyes when they started to well up. “Don’t think there’s a right answer.” Alex told him, lacing their fingers together. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too’ Nicky’s words were accompanied by a tidal wave of affection. 

“You want ice cream?” Alex offered. “Ice cream makes everything better.” 

Nicky didn’t manage to completely stifle the rush of delight he had at that suggestion. Alex chuckled and Nicky gave a sheepish smile. 

They played the next day and everything felt like it was starting to fall back into place, things slowly shifting towards normalcy. 

Still, when they arrived at the game and had to go through a security checkpoint, Alex could feel anxiety rise through the bond like flood water. He squeezed Nicky’s hand. ‘It’s ok.’ He assured him. 

‘I know.’ Nicky said, even as he tried to close himself off. 

‘Don’t.’ Alex started. ‘Don’t have to hide.’ 

Nicky didn’t respond except by squeezing Alex’s hand tighter. 

They’d known security was going to be increased, but knowing and experiencing it were different things. The locker room was quiet and a little subdued. 

Alex could feel as Nicky’s anxiety shifted to concern about the mood in the room. He glanced at Alex, but Alex didn’t know what they could do to raise everyone’s spirits. 

Still, he knew they couldn’t go out with everyone feeling so tentative. 

While Alex was still mulling things over, Nicky had settled something in his mind and he slid down the bench towards Andre. 

Alex looked up to realize he wasn’t the only one watching; even the people who didn’t know that something had happened between Andre and Nicky could probably feel the tension between them. Or maybe they’d noticed how reserved the rookie had been. 

Nicky lobbed a balled up old sock at him to get attention, biting back a bright grin when it caught the rookie in the jaw. 

“Oh, gross.” Andre laughed, scrubbing at his face with his sleeve. “Papa…” he whined. 

Alex turned his attention back to getting ready, the uncertain unsteadiness Nicky had felt slowly dissipating as he talked Andre. Alex wasn’t sure what they were saying; being bonded didn’t mean everything was automatically translated, no matter how many people in monolingual bonds thought he’d suddenly learned Swedish when their bond solidified. 

He could tell that Nicky was holding back somewhat, emotionally. It made Alex’s heart twinge, knowing he couldn’t feel completely at ease talking to Andre anymore. He hoped it was something they could fix eventually. 

Nicky wasn’t the heart of the team, per se, but he was important; he set the tone. Alex could feel everyone loosening up a little bit, taking their cues, like always, from Nicky. 

Alex was the captain, but Nicky...Nicky was a leader, without really desiring that role. 

‘What?’ Nicky asked, turning to look at him. ‘You’re being all sappy.’

‘Just thinking about how much I looooove you’ Alex teased, the words bright and singsong over the bond. 

Nicky rewarded him by rolling his eyes, even as everything through their connection glowed even warmer.

They managed to win, which felt good. It felt like something they’d needed, lifting a weight off their shoulders. 

Mike hadn’t been cleared to play, but he was there, sneaking into the locker room after the press had left. 

“Nice goal.” He said to Nicky, ruffling his hair.

Nicky laughed, ducking away from his hand. “Hey, thanks. You ok?”

“Yeah. Getting there. I think I’ll be able to start skating soon, which will be nice.” Mike sighed. “I’m going crazy.”

“Going?” Nicky teased lightly, resulting in Mike finding the ticklish spots along his sides with expert precision. Nicky collapsed back to the bench, flushed and giggling as he batted his hands away. 

“Whatever, loser.” Mike had a self-satisfied look on his face, possibly pleased with himself for getting Nicky to laugh. “You ok?”

Nicky nodded, shrugging. “Yeah. Bond’s back. It’s fine.” 

Mike sat down beside him as they waited for Alex to finish dressing. Alex hadn’t planned to get caught up doing media, but it happens. “Uh huh.”

Nicky looked down, clamping down on the bond like kinking a hose. Alex wondered what Nicky didn’t want him to know. “Don’t wanna talk about it.” He mumbled quietly. 

Mike squeezed the nape of his neck. “Ok.” He agreed. “Don’t have to hide from me though, yeah?”

“Sorry.” Nicky looked up, looking sheepish. “It’s just...it wasn’t great.” 

Mike nodded, bumping their shoulders together. “I bet.” 

Eventually, everything returned to normal, or the new normal where they had to go through security before games and open practices had off-duty police as precautions. 

Mike returned to the line-up, Nicky continued putting up assists, and Alex watched more headlines about attacks back home, attacks in the US. 

Nicky and Andre were friendly, but the rookie didn’t come over to the house and Nicky didn’t go out of his way to spend time with him. Nicky was careful to keep a bit of space between them, never spending time one-on-one. 

Alex was protective over Nicky always, but it made him smile to see Marcus and Mike doing the same. No one else knew, exactly, what had happened and they didn’t try to get involved. 

Andre showed up without warning one night after they’d finished dinner, throwing the status quo off balance. 

“Bur?” Nicky sounded confused as he answered the door. Alex didn’t turn his head, but he did perk up, paying closer attention. 

“Can I- Can I come in?” Andre asked. 

“Yeah, sure.” Nicky stepped aside, closing the door behind him. “Are you ok?” 

“I...” Andre glanced towards Alex. “I miss you.”

Alex felt Nicky’s bond go tender and soft. “I’m sorry.” 

“Me too.” Andre said, mostly to his feet. “I know I…I shouldn’t have...I shouldn’t have said those things.” 

Nicky nodded but stayed quiet. 

“I’ve read a lot about it now, so I can try to understand. They never talked about...about dependent bonds and stuff in class.” 

“Did you ever know anyone else?” Nicky asked. “Do you want tea?” He offered, starting towards the kitchen without waiting for an answer. 

In the kitchen, they were out of sight but not out of earshot. Alex suspected that was intentional. 

“No, not really. Just...you know, saw it on the news sometimes.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And they...I don’t know. I thought it was bad but...it hurts you?” Andre sounded hurt that anything would consider harming Nicky. 

“Yeah. It’s not great.” Nicky said, a wry smirk tugging on the bond. 

“I keep worrying that I won’t meet my bondmate. Everyone else has.” Andre admitted. “What if something goes wrong?” 

“You’re only twenty. You’ll meet them soon.” Nicky soothed mildly. 

“People said that when I was eighteen too.” Andre grumbled. 

He barely heard Nicky snort, but his fondness was leaking through the bond like he couldn’t quite hold it back. 

“I know. It’ll happen.”

“Thanks.” Andre paused. “I- can I ask how your bond- why is it different?”

“My brother was sick.” Nicky started. “I was only three when it formed.”

“Oh, that’s young.”

“Yeah. And...I couldn’t be with Kris, he had leukemia, and my parents always had to take him to the city for treatments and appointments. I stayed with lots of different family.”

“And it just didn’t form right?”

“Basically.” Nicky admitted. “I was really young and I didn’t know...no one told me, you know, what would happen.” 

“Uh huh?”

“I missed my parents and Kris, but I had Sasha.” Nicky’s voice was almost too quiet to hear. “And he loved me so much I- I guess I latched on too much to him.” 

There was a moment of silence before Alex heard a sniffle. “Fuck, I feel like such an asshole.” Andre said, with a watery laugh. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Happiness bloomed over the bond like roses as Nicky hugged Andre close. 

They spent a while talking in the kitchen, switching to Swedish, which Alex assumed meant he was being discussed. Nicky’s bond was lighthearted and open, so whatever it was it wasn’t bad. 

Eventually, Alex got curious and meandered into the kitchen. 

Nicky and Andre were tucked into the breakfast nook, sitting side by side. Nicky was leaning against the wall, one knee drawn up, and Andre was leaning against him. Their empty mugs sat abandoned in front of them. 

Nicky looked up and smiled, abruptly giving up on holding back over the bond, leading to a dizzying rush of happiness and affection. Alex couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Hey, Bur.” He greeted, mussing his hair. 

Andre ducked away, hands coming up to protect his hair. “Ach, no!” He laughed. Nicky rolled his eyes. 

“Ridiculous.” He muttered, still smiling. 

“Whatever, I worked hard on it.”

“This takes work?” Nicky asked, looking incredulous. “I thought you just drove here with the windows open.” 

Alex laughed and Nicky looked a bit smug at his own joke as Andre sputtered indignantly. “Papa! You’re being mean.” He mock-sulked. “Do you even know what a hairbrush is?”

Nicky poked him in the ribs in retribution. “No, I worked hard on this.” He teased. 

Andre giggled, shaking his head. 

Nicky’s good mood carried him through their evening routine, so that Alex found himself smiling absently even as they brushed their teeth. 

Nicky snuggled up beside Alex in bed, an arm around him. “So, you and Bur talked?” Alex asked, trying to prompt him a bit. 

“Uh huh.” Nicky yawned, moving to rest his head over Alex’s chest. 

“Everything good.” 

“I think...getting there.” Nicky nodded. “I know he’s sorry, I just…” Nicky trailed off and the memory bubbles up across the bond like smog obscuring the sunshine, making everything just a bit more dim. 

“Hard to forget.” Alex agreed, kissing the top of his head. “But he’s your friend, makes you happy.” 

“Yeah.” Nicky closed his eyes. 

“I love you.” Alex could feel sleepy warmth reclaiming the bond, Nicky going even softer around the edges. 

“I love you too.” Nicky murmured in response, falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This was my 50th work on AO3! Wow!


End file.
